Even though it's not something I like to show, I am very fearful of losing Noah. I just cannot believe that I deserve getting snatched out of my sons life because I decided to move on with my life. I love that boy more than life itself, and to have to feel like I'm losing him these last couple of months, it's breaking my heart.
I tried to make myself feel better, and tell myself that regardless of the outcome, I would still be in his life, but it's just not right. I have sacrificed so much. I never wanted another child because I knew that his father and I were not going to be together, even back then. And I tried. I tried so hard to not have another kid. I was even taking birth control behind his back. And yea, I guess everything happens for a reason. I know Gio needed to have this. I know he was dying to have a biological child. I know he was hurting for one.
But all this is like a catch 22. I didn't want to have another kid because I knew that I would ultimately be raising this child alone. And I am not talking about financial. I am talking about other things. Like personal beliefs and morals, among so many other things. But then I had him. I went through the hardest pregnancy I ever had. Risked his life and mine at labor. Fell in love. Dam, did I ever fall in love. And I refuse... I refuse to think that my time with him will get picked and chosen by someone that knows nothing about our lives.
No one knows. No one can know the friendship that kid and I have. I spent a whole year full of alone time with him. I know him like the palm of my hand.We have a special bond, that kid and I. The fact that I know I can never have another kid also makes this so hard.
Everything that had to do with Katelyn, it's something I have had to get accustomed to. Everyday I deal with that. My heart was already in a weak state because of that. And then Noah comes along. And, no, he doesn't replace those heart string tug feelings I had about Katie, but he cured me a little. He made life easier. And fun. And like I said. I am completely in love with him. I know Gio loves him too, but to have him decide when I can and cannot spend time with him is a supernova mistake.
Don't think about it at all
Just keep your head low
And don't think about it all
Soldier on, soldier on
Keep your heart close to the ground
Soldier on, soldier on, keep your heart
Close to the ground
Don't think about it all
Just keep your head low
Don't think about it
At all
Yes, I do have the kids. And only someone with lots of kids can understand me when I say that the kids and I, together, we are only one unit. Nothing can be the same without one of us there. Yes, you can add to the unit. But you can never take away.
Please don't break my unit, and my heart...
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