argh...

I HATE when people don't acknowledge making a mistake and starting fights for no reason...

the curse of the ex...

You try and try, fight, to have a man be what you want him to be. After some fights, tears, and lots and lots of conversations, this man starts to get it. He starts to think before he speaks. He starts to put you first. He begins to live his life right.

And guess what. He does this for you. You make him see what a real woman is like, what real relationships are about.  He spends his days trying to make you happy. Spends time with you. He's not perfect, but you can see he is trying.

So what happens?

His stupid ex starts to realize that maybe he's not so bad. Maybe, just maybe, she's an idiot, and she might have had a lot to do with them not being together anymore... what to do? Continue sculpting a masterpiece? Or leave it alone?

Give it your all. If things are supposed to go your way, they will.

Bad Bitches Everywhere

Why is it so hard to treat people the way you would like to be treated? I try. I really do. Caring for myself is not self indulgent. If I care for myself it is because it is an act of survival. I need to take care of my own feelings because no one will ever take care of them for me. I can overcome all obstacles put in my path, with a smile on my face. I can smile every morning like I wasn't crying the night before. But that does not mean I don't hurt. I have learned to love beyond faults. To cry behind closed doors. And to fight battles nobody knows about. Because in the end, I am all I have. I'm just trying to be a good woman, in a world full of "Bad Bitches"...

entombed...

From the day you arrived
I've remained by your side
In chains, entombed.
Placed inside, safe and sound
Shapes and colors are all I see.

On the day you arrived
I became your device
To name and soothe.
Placed inside, safe and sound
Shades and colors are all I see
Shapes of colors are all I feel.

From the day you arrived
I've stayed by your side.
Placed inside, safe and sound
Shades of colors are all I see
Shapes of colors are all I feel

Placed inside, safe inside
Shades of colors are all I see
Safe inside...

I adore you.

Relate to Me...

Sometimes it's hard to be the bigger person in an argument. I know that. But you really have to sit down and look at things, not in the way that you see them, but in the other person's perspective. I feel a little jaded with my relationships. I'm older. I know what I do and do not want.

to be happy at any cost...

I want to be treated like im worth something, like im irreplaceable. I want somebody to take their time with me, treat me like there's no one else out there, and they cant be without me. To be nurtured, and cared for. To have someone be my best friend. For that person to care about my feelings before their own. I feel like ive been that person to everyone else, and now I want that done for me.

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this...

I'm tired. So tired. Wtf is wrong with me. Why do people always feel like they can get over on me? I'm so sad. So hurt. And I don't know how to get out of this, without completely ripping my own fucken heart out. Why don't people think twice to play with someone's heart?

Units

I just woke up to the biggest tears rolling down my face. 

Even though it's not something I like to show, I am very fearful of losing Noah. I just cannot believe that I deserve getting snatched out of my sons life because I decided to move on with my life. I love that boy more than life itself, and to have to feel like I'm losing him these last couple of months, it's breaking my heart. 

I tried to make myself feel better, and tell myself that regardless of the outcome, I would still be in his life, but it's just not right. I have sacrificed so much. I never wanted another child because I knew that his father and I were not going to be together, even back then. And I tried. I tried so hard to not have another kid. I was even taking birth control behind his back. And yea, I guess everything happens for a reason. I know Gio needed to have this. I know he was dying to have a biological child. I know he was hurting for one. 

But all this is like a catch 22. I didn't want to have another kid because I knew that I would ultimately be raising this child alone. And I am not talking about financial. I am talking about other things. Like personal beliefs and morals, among so many other things. But then I had him. I went through the hardest pregnancy I ever had. Risked his life and mine at labor. Fell in love. Dam, did I ever fall in love. And I refuse... I refuse to think that my time with him will get picked and chosen by someone that knows nothing about our lives. 

No one knows. No one can know the friendship that kid and I have. I spent a whole year full of alone time with him. I know him like the palm of my hand.We have a special bond, that kid and I. The fact that I know I can never have another kid also makes this so hard. 

Everything that had to do with Katelyn, it's something I have had to get accustomed to. Everyday I deal with that. My heart was already in a weak state because of that. And then Noah comes along. And, no, he doesn't replace those heart string tug feelings I had about Katie, but he cured me a little. He made life easier. And fun. And like I said. I am completely in love with him. I know Gio loves him too, but to have him decide when I can and cannot spend time with him is a supernova mistake. 

Don't think about it at all
Just keep your head low
And don't think about it all

Soldier on, soldier on 
Keep your heart close to the ground
Soldier on, soldier on, keep your heart
Close to the ground

Don't think about it all
Just keep your head low
Don't think about it
At all

Yes, I do have the kids. And only someone with lots of kids can understand me when I say that the kids and I, together, we are only one unit. Nothing can be the same without one of us there. Yes, you can add to the unit. But you can never take away. 

Please don't break my unit, and my heart...