Only love can hurt like this...
I'm tired. So tired. Wtf is wrong with me. Why do people always feel like they can get over on me? I'm so sad. So hurt. And I don't know how to get out of this, without completely ripping my own fucken heart out. Why don't people think twice to play with someone's heart?
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Units
I just woke up to the biggest tears rolling down my face.
Even though it's not something I like to show, I am very fearful of losing Noah. I just cannot believe that I deserve getting snatched out of my sons life because I decided to move on with my life. I love that boy more than life itself, and to have to feel like I'm losing him these last couple of months, it's breaking my heart.
I tried to make myself feel better, and tell myself that regardless of the outcome, I would still be in his life, but it's just not right. I have sacrificed so much. I never wanted another child because I knew that his father and I were not going to be together, even back then. And I tried. I tried so hard to not have another kid. I was even taking birth control behind his back. And yea, I guess everything happens for a reason. I know Gio needed to have this. I know he was dying to have a biological child. I know he was hurting for one.
But all this is like a catch 22. I didn't want to have another kid because I knew that I would ultimately be raising this child alone. And I am not talking about financial. I am talking about other things. Like personal beliefs and morals, among so many other things. But then I had him. I went through the hardest pregnancy I ever had. Risked his life and mine at labor. Fell in love. Dam, did I ever fall in love. And I refuse... I refuse to think that my time with him will get picked and chosen by someone that knows nothing about our lives.
No one knows. No one can know the friendship that kid and I have. I spent a whole year full of alone time with him. I know him like the palm of my hand.We have a special bond, that kid and I. The fact that I know I can never have another kid also makes this so hard.
Everything that had to do with Katelyn, it's something I have had to get accustomed to. Everyday I deal with that. My heart was already in a weak state because of that. And then Noah comes along. And, no, he doesn't replace those heart string tug feelings I had about Katie, but he cured me a little. He made life easier. And fun. And like I said. I am completely in love with him. I know Gio loves him too, but to have him decide when I can and cannot spend time with him is a supernova mistake.
Don't think about it at all
Just keep your head low
And don't think about it all
Soldier on, soldier on
Keep your heart close to the ground
Soldier on, soldier on, keep your heart
Close to the ground
Don't think about it all
Just keep your head low
Don't think about it
At all
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Even though it's not something I like to show, I am very fearful of losing Noah. I just cannot believe that I deserve getting snatched out of my sons life because I decided to move on with my life. I love that boy more than life itself, and to have to feel like I'm losing him these last couple of months, it's breaking my heart.
I tried to make myself feel better, and tell myself that regardless of the outcome, I would still be in his life, but it's just not right. I have sacrificed so much. I never wanted another child because I knew that his father and I were not going to be together, even back then. And I tried. I tried so hard to not have another kid. I was even taking birth control behind his back. And yea, I guess everything happens for a reason. I know Gio needed to have this. I know he was dying to have a biological child. I know he was hurting for one.
But all this is like a catch 22. I didn't want to have another kid because I knew that I would ultimately be raising this child alone. And I am not talking about financial. I am talking about other things. Like personal beliefs and morals, among so many other things. But then I had him. I went through the hardest pregnancy I ever had. Risked his life and mine at labor. Fell in love. Dam, did I ever fall in love. And I refuse... I refuse to think that my time with him will get picked and chosen by someone that knows nothing about our lives.
No one knows. No one can know the friendship that kid and I have. I spent a whole year full of alone time with him. I know him like the palm of my hand.We have a special bond, that kid and I. The fact that I know I can never have another kid also makes this so hard.
Everything that had to do with Katelyn, it's something I have had to get accustomed to. Everyday I deal with that. My heart was already in a weak state because of that. And then Noah comes along. And, no, he doesn't replace those heart string tug feelings I had about Katie, but he cured me a little. He made life easier. And fun. And like I said. I am completely in love with him. I know Gio loves him too, but to have him decide when I can and cannot spend time with him is a supernova mistake.
Don't think about it at all
Just keep your head low
And don't think about it all
Soldier on, soldier on
Keep your heart close to the ground
Soldier on, soldier on, keep your heart
Close to the ground
Don't think about it all
Just keep your head low
Don't think about it
At all
Yes, I do have the kids. And only someone with lots of kids can understand me when I say that the kids and I, together, we are only one unit. Nothing can be the same without one of us there. Yes, you can add to the unit. But you can never take away.
Please don't break my unit, and my heart...
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Attraction & Chemistry
at·trac·tion /əˈtrakSHən/ noun
1. A person or thing that draws, allures or entices.
2. A characteristic or quality that provides pleasure.
Attraction is not always physical. The really great thing about attraction is whether it’s physical or not, it’s often irresistible. Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Attraction is more than that.
Chemistry. What is it? It’s that… thing. That “I need to see this person again” impulse. Or that “We click” feeling. But what causes it? Does it need to happen naturally, or can you create it? Does it die over time, or are there tricks to keep the sparks flying?
I am so attracted. I see him and I can't help but smile. He is just so beautiful to me. I love his face, his beautiful smile. His voice and laugh brighten my day. And chemistry, yea, it's there. Definitely, no doubt about it...
1. A person or thing that draws, allures or entices.
2. A characteristic or quality that provides pleasure.
Attraction is not always physical. The really great thing about attraction is whether it’s physical or not, it’s often irresistible. Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Attraction is more than that.
Chemistry. What is it? It’s that… thing. That “I need to see this person again” impulse. Or that “We click” feeling. But what causes it? Does it need to happen naturally, or can you create it? Does it die over time, or are there tricks to keep the sparks flying?
I am so attracted. I see him and I can't help but smile. He is just so beautiful to me. I love his face, his beautiful smile. His voice and laugh brighten my day. And chemistry, yea, it's there. Definitely, no doubt about it...
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Soldier On
Don't think about it at all
Just keep your head low
And don't think about it all
Soldier on, soldier on
Keep your heart close to the ground
Soldier on, soldier on, keep your heart
Close to the ground
Don't think about it all
Just keep your head low
Don't think about it
At all...
It's not easy getting over a broken heart. But I will do it somehow. I'm good at that. I just hope you are worth the pain I'm going through now. But I promise you, this is the first and only time you will break my heart.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
It Goes Something Like This
Sweet tides, pools of love
Your eyes are full of...
Sweet tides, pools of love
Your eyes are full of...
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go.
To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain.
Your ass, it draws me in like a Bermuda highway.
There's a place in the sun for anyone
Who has the will to chase one
And I think I've found mine
Yes, I do believe I have found mine.
Long is the road
I have always been told
how lonely can one boy be?
Long is the road
i have always been told
how long can one man wait?
Forever.
Forever...that's how long I would wait
Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you
I've never been alive, Woah.
I've never been alive, Woah.
I've never been alive like I am now...
Your eyes are full of...
Sweet tides, pools of love
Your eyes are full of...
Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don't know where I am
I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go.
To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain.
Your ass, it draws me in like a Bermuda highway.
There's a place in the sun for anyone
Who has the will to chase one
And I think I've found mine
Yes, I do believe I have found mine.
Long is the road
I have always been told
how lonely can one boy be?
Long is the road
i have always been told
how long can one man wait?
Forever.
Forever...that's how long I would wait
Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you
I've never been alive, Woah.
I've never been alive, Woah.
I've never been alive like I am now...
Sunday, July 13, 2014
I know...
I have been wearing a permanent smile these last few months. I know you love me, you told me so. You let it show. I remember the first day I met you. I remember how I knew then that I would love you. But I didn't know that you would love me back the way you do. That you would do anything to make me smile. That you would bring so much joy to me. Or that you could make me forget the world when you stare into my eyes... I love you
Monday, June 23, 2014
Love is not...
I think you are confused about what love is.
Love is not about winning. Love is not about being in control. Love is not about being right. Love is not about getting your way. Love is not about what I can and will do for you. Love is not selfish...
Love is all those little things that are the opposite of what you do.
And I'm tired. I'm over it... if this is the kind of love you have for me, I don't want it. Please, don't make me keep telling you, have some dignity and be on your way.
Love is not about winning. Love is not about being in control. Love is not about being right. Love is not about getting your way. Love is not about what I can and will do for you. Love is not selfish...
Love is all those little things that are the opposite of what you do.
And I'm tired. I'm over it... if this is the kind of love you have for me, I don't want it. Please, don't make me keep telling you, have some dignity and be on your way.
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