On Love

One of the most difficult things that I have had to face since I started this journey (life) has been the realization that, at least for the foreseeable future, I cannot be in love. I just can’t. I mean, I love Gio, but I'm not IN love with Gio? I'm in a place in my life where being in love would be selfish, impractical, and, dare I say, decidedly confusing.

You see, my dear reader, I, like you, long for the security of comfortable silences. I yearn to feel the familiar warmth of someone's body next to my pillow. Most of all, I crave a certain indescribable connection of body, mind and spirit with someone who instinctively understands me. Ultimately, I want to be able to tell myself: "Sandra, this man was made for you. And you were made for him. Now live your life together simply, justly, and happily." But it just doesn't happen that way. I can't be in love for the simple reason that, I, would not want to be in love alone. And as it is, if I were IN love at this moment, that is exactly what it would be. I would be in love by myself.

As much as I may want love, I have no choice but to push it aside. There are just too many things in the way.

AM I GOOD ENOUGH?
The hard truth is that I've been so independent for so long that I just don't think I even remember how to be a good partner. There have been way too many late nights at bars, too many parties, too many men to count. (LMAO! I'm kidding on this last one!!!) But really, I even have a hard time compromising with Gio about Noah's hair! I don't like anyone telling me what to do, or how to do it. I really don't know if I'm the problem here...

IS HE GOOD ENOUGH?
Well, of course he is. He is a good man. He somewhat cares for me. He is responsible, he has a job (score!), he takes care of home, he is always here with us, and I always know where he is. He respects me... but like I said. I long for more. I want someone to want me, someone to feel like I am everything to them. Someone who adores me, thinks I am beautiful, and wants to kiss me all the time... Someone who is proud to be with me.

LOGISTICS SUCK
The reality is that I just don’t know where I will end up next year. I have a couple of ideas floating around in my head, biding their time until the practicalities of the Plan are resolved. But I just don’t see how I can get close to anyone when I don’t even know where this journey will be taking me.

IN THE END
My journey thus far has been an exhilarating, at times painful, mostly joyful experience. In the end, I just hope that this process can add meaning to my life and that it brings me the clarity and the certainty to love someone simply and completely. We shall see...